So, I have never had a "bucket list" per se. Instead, I have a life list. It changes all the time, things move up and down on the priority scale and things go on and off it depending on what Neil and I are doing or where we are at in general terms. But it is always there. I often find myself saying something is on the life list, or it is definitely NOT on the life list. For example, things on the ON list this year included: getting the firewood in before the snow flies this fall, finishing our "outdoor kitchen", whitening my teeth, learning how to pack everything in a carry on when I go somewhere (this in response to my recent hauling around a HUGE suitcase everywhere I went and only wearing 3 items out of it), improve my email/letter writing skills (which includes actually writing someone back), organize my photo albums, cook more exotic foods, .....and the list goes on indefinitely.
There are not many things on my NOT list. That I can think of at the moment anyways.
But last week, my "life list" took on a whole new perspective. In one fell swoop, the list disintegrated in front of me.
Neil and I went to the oncologist last week, fully expecting (maybe in retrospect - hoping) him to tell us that the recent CT scan had still not shown any sign of the primary cancer and I could just carry on indefinitely until it eventually (inevitably?) made its ugly appearance. We were staggered when he informed us that the cancer covered the whole internal wall of my abdominal cavity (the periodontal cavity ??) And that there was nothing they could do about it. And then the horror, the shock, the disbelief, (I could be more descriptive here, but I think you get the idea) when he told us that the average lifespan of someone with this cancer is 6 months to a year. I don't know how long we sat there with our mouths gaping open, but it seemed a life time. How does one wrap their head around this kind of news??
There is not much more I can tell you at the moment. I think Neil and I were so shocked with the prognosis that we could not put together our thoughts enough to ask some pertinent questions. What I can tell you is that my body is already changing and reacting to the cancer. This past month I had severe abdominal pain and bloating. I thought it was just my intestinal system reacting to the colon cleanse we did a month or two back, or the more recent colonoscopy. (Whose body wouldn't react to THAT process!!) It wasn't. What is happening is the fluids that pass through the body (in and out and through different parts of the body via osmosis and through interior walls/membranes) are getting into my abdominal cavity but are not passing back out due to impermeable nature of the cancer. The fluids were building up and pressing on my stomach (eating was becoming very painful), my heart, and my diaphragm (giving me shortness of breath). Simple solution! Drain it! So last Thursday I went into the hospital and "was drained". They pulled out a gallon of fluid (no wonder I was bloated!). And in a matter of 2 hours I had lost another 10 pounds! And had incredible relief! So this is a process I will likely have to have on a periodic basis. Not sure how often yet. Guess I will know when the pressure starts to build again.
Other symptoms I have to look forward to (said tongue in cheek) is the abdominal walls starting to stick to my bowels (I guess this cancer has a gluey - is that really a word , gluey - nature to it) and my bowels will start to shut down. The consequences of that I prefer not to think of at the moment. I do have constant discomfort in my abdomen, but it is not painful. I am sure there are other things that will start to happen and/or shut down. We have a million more questions for the oncologist next time we see him.
So, as I have said, my life list has had some major revision this week. I still plan on learning how to travel with just a carry on (lots more trips to Victoria in the near future). I want to outlive my 11 year old dog. And I want to spend some quality time with Neil, my family and friends while my quality of life is still good. NOT on my life list is to wash my windows or clean my oven!! So if you come to visit, don't be surprised to find a scrowie (my Mom's word) house. I will try and keep the sheets clean for you!
And THAT is about it! I apologize if the honesty of this offends anyone. I just want it out in the open with no one whispering the "poor Dana" platitudes. Please don't hesitate to ask any questions regarding my health IF you want the truth. Two caveats however: if I start to bloat again (my belly really does get quite large), please don't ask me if I am pregnant!!!! And don't tell me I am looking great when I am not. But if I am in the grocery store and I hear someone yelling "hey Dana, how the bowels doin' today?", that's OK.
I was really hoping to be more profound at this stage, but I guess that is just not my nature. Maybe it will happen as time goes on. You will just have to stay tuned in for those possible enlightening insights. At this point I am just hoping to peacefully, gracefully, and with dignity - accept my fate, however and whenever it happens.
I do have some plans for future "blogs". Maybe I will even get to it. My love to all.
Dana
