It's a game! I used to watch my beautiful, blonde, blue-eyed neices play when they were very young. It was really quite funny to watch these little innocents play this slightly morbid game. They called it "Would you Rather..?" It is kind of like Truth or Dare, except you ask each other questions that the others would HAVE to answer. And the questions went something like this: "would you rather stick your head in a lion's mouth or stick needles in your eyes?" or "would you rather eat a rattlesnake or jump off a cliff?" The options were never good but a choice had to be made.
This is a game I feel like I am playing at the moment. It seems my "options" are not good but I must choose.
It has been two months since my last post and it seems like a lot has happened. The first few weeks after my prognosis, Neil and I spent just trying to deal with the facts as they had been given us by the oncologist. It was tough, but resignation did set in (not sure the "acceptance" stage ever really came in to play) and I started to make plans for "settling my afffairs", and planning for my death. As I was considered Palliative, I went and saw a Palliative Care counsellor to discuss the hows and whats of dying. I learned there is a lot to do before dying, if one wants to leave with no mess or unsettled matters for those left behind.
Then there were more doctor's appointments and bloodwork to do. As our traditional medical system was leaving me high and dry with no option but to roll over and dy, I went to a oncological natureopath. He gave me some hope for a slightly longer life span (maybe an extra year, although no guarantees), a schwack of naturopathic pills to take, and an injection of some voodoo concoction that I inject into my abdomen every few days. All of these in the hope of slowing down the tumor growth and with any luck at all, to shrink them somewhat.
On June 14th, I went to my oncologist again and, although he wasn't refusing to see me any more, he more or less told me that there wasn't much point in my seeing him as he could better spend his time with patients that were going to live and that had some hope. Talk about abondonment!! Helplessness!! And hopelessness! How devastating it was to have my oncologist brush me aside. These are the people that are suppose to be part of my "cancer care team" and make sure that what life was left, would be of some quality! (But I have let my anger and disappointment in my doctor go. No point in harboring anger and resentment. It only makes me anxious.) I must say, I am extremely disappointed in our medical system!
BUT... I do now have a light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to a couple of friends that did a little researching (Thanks so much Marie and Heather!!!) There is a treatment that is for types of peritoneal cancer that can give a good chance of long term survival (although in the cancer world, long term survival means living 5 years after diagnosis. Which, at the moment is a lot better than the 4 to 10 months I have left based on the first prognosis). It means surgery, and it is a very major surgery with a long hard recovery. So last week I went to Calgary and met with the specialists that perform this surgery. They say I am a candidate for it, although with some kaveats. It is a risky surgery, and it is possible that once they open me up, the cancer might not be treatable and they will close me back up.
So here is where I am playing the game. Would I rather live for another 10 months (maybe a bit more if the naturopathic route works for me) or go through a surgery that is going to lay me flat and be very painful for at least 6 months. Neither is a nice option. But I am choosing life!! Life for a possible 5+ years. I am scheduled for surgery on September 27th!!
However, throughout this next few months, and after the surgery, I am also going the "alternative cancer therapy" route in the hopes that this will add more time to my life. I hate to depend solely on the traditional allopathic treatments for a remission or a temporary reprieve from this nasty disease.
There is one other "minor" health issue that needs addressing before they will operate. (Man oh Man, when it rains, it pours!!) They found a bit of "noise" in my heart, so they want do to a full cardio work up before the surgery to ensure my heart can pull me through the stress of the operation. I am still waiting to hear when that will happen, sometime in August they tell me.
It is now 10 months since this cancer has invaded our lives. It has taken it's toll on both Neil and I in ways we could never imagine. It truely has been an emotional, physical and mental/spiritual rollercoaster. But I am optimistic. Armed with good thoughts, hope, and a wonderful supportive group around me, I am in good spirits right now, and my health has not started to decline in any significant ways yet. I still have the constant abdominal discomfort, but no real pain. I need a nap every afternoon. And I have not the energy or stamina to do any major chores, although I still try. My crazy wonderful family is about to invade us again for the August long weekend. A head count of between 50 and 60 . I can't wait for the fun and games to begin!
Neil and I hope to be home for most of August and September, with the small side trip to Calgary for the cardio workup. So if anyone is in the neighborhood and wants to stop by, we would love to see you. But do call first to ensure we are home. Our plans and schedule seem to change on a daily basis.
And now, if you will excuse me, I have to go stick my head in a lions mouth!!
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